Why Showing Is the Secret to a Killer Story!
One of the most potent techniques when writing is showing rather than telling. Showing invites readers into the world of your story, allowing them to experience it firsthand, while telling can distance them. The difference between these approaches isn’t always noticeable, but with some trimming, you can transform a passage from mere explanation to vivid imagery. Let’s look at how a few simple changes made the following three passage versions stronger by showing, not telling.
Original Version
The night the boy ran away, Big Mom’s beau came home with mud on his boots, dirt under his nails, and cement dust in the creases of his knuckles. The authorities would see what they wanted—mud, dirt, the work sacrifice. Men like him always came home dirty. I told myself it was nothing. Just work. Just another long day. I couldn’t ignore the way the dirt had dried—too dark, too thick to be from anything but the kind of work people never talk about.
This version tells the reader quite a bit. It’s clear what’s going on: we know the man is dirty, he’s been working, and there’s dirt involved. The phrase “too dark, too thick” hints at something wrong, but the rest of the description lays it out directly. The telling here helps set the scene, but it doesn’t leave much to the imagination.
Revised Version (71 words)
The night the boy ran off, Big Mom’s beau came home with mud on his boots, dirt under his nails, and cement dust deep in the creases of his knuckles. The cops saw what they wanted—just a working man, worn and dirty. I told myself the same. Just mud. Just dust. Just another long day. But the dirt had dried too dark, too thick. The kind that doesn’t come from honest work.
Notice how this version is more showing than telling. Words like “worn” and “dirty” are more evocative than simply stating that he was just “a working man.” The sentence “But the dirt had dried too dark, too thick” shows that something is off, without outright saying that the mud, dirt and dust isn’t from work. It hints at the danger and mystery without spelling it out. By leaving the what out of the description, readers are invited to sense what’s wrong and form their conclusions.
Final Trimmed Version (49 words)
The night the boy ran off, Big Mom’s beau came home with mud on his boots, dirt under his nails, and cement dust in his knuckles. The cops saw what they wanted—just a worn, dirty man. I told myself the same. Just mud. Just dust. Just another long day.
This is the most succinct version, cutting down even further while keeping the scene’s essence. The focus is on the details—the mud, the dirt, the dust—which subtly suggest something about his life without saying too much. We don’t know exactly what’s happened, but the details imply that everything is not as it seems. This version trusts the reader to pick up on the clues, which creates a more immersive experience.
Key Takeaways:
- Details over Explanation: Instead of explicitly explaining that the man is “just a working man,” we show it through further information like “worn” and “dirty.”
- Cutting Redundancy: Removing repetitive elements sharpens the focus and tension.
- Trusting the Reader: In the final version, the mystery is left open-ended, creating space for readers to make connections themselves. The writer allows the clues to breathe by cutting specific phrases, making them more powerful.
Trimming a story often means removing the obvious and leaving just enough for the reader to feel the weight of the situation. The more we show, the more we invite our audience to engage, think, and feel rather than just be told.
Smiling Eyes, Breathtaking Books
Looking to transform your writing into something extraordinary? Discover the expertise of Richard Tardif, award-winning investigative journalist, editor, and bestselling author of seven books. As the publisher of Smiling Eyes Press, Richard specializes in turning first drafts into inspiring bestsellers and bland essays into compelling speeches.
Whether you’re an aspiring author or an established writer seeking professional publishing services, Richard’s experience and passion for storytelling can help bring your vision to life. Let your words resonate, captivate, and transform.
Start your publishing journey today with Smiling Eyes Press.
www.richardtardif.com
